What You Don’t See in the Before & After
Healing doesn’t always happen in big moments.
Sometimes it happens slowly, in the background of your life, until one day you look back and barely recognize the person you used to be.
For Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m sharing a piece of my journey—a reminder that no matter where you are right now, your story isn’t over yet.
“Mom…. looking through photos of you, it’s just crazy”
And wow. Just… WOW.
Looking back at pictures of myself from ten years ago, it’s honestly crazy to see the difference. Not just physically—although, yeah, that part is wild, too—but mentally and emotionally.
Back then, I was in survival mode. Smiling for pictures but feeling empty inside. No self-belief, very little hope, and zero confidence. I was trying to hide the pain behind layers—of weight, of pain, of self-doubt, of trauma, of whatever I was using to numb myself at the time (which, let’s be real, was usually found in a bottle, whether pills or alcohol.) I was UNHAPPY. UNHEALTHY. And UNRECOGNIZABLE—not just to others, but to myself.
I remember sitting in front of my computer during my zoom therapy sessions, saying the same thing:
I just want to FEEL happy. To FEEL excitement.
I wasn’t asking for some magic pill or the perfect life. Just to wake up and genuinely feel excited about something. Feel happy. Back then, I couldn’t imagine what that even looked or felt like.
The year was 2015. My oldest was a senior in High School. I was 38, battling mental health and a substance use disorder while mixing a few too many cocktails at the same time. I hid it well from most people, never admitting I had a “problem” but knowing deep down. I was just as unhappy as I had always been, but it wasn’t until years later that I’d truly understand and discover that.
Back then, I didn’t have the healthy coping skills, I didn’t know any better, and I didn’t have the emotional awareness to recognize what was really happening— I was numbing, not living.
My journey over the last ten years wasn’t about weight loss—it was about recovery and healing. About breaking free from the grip of the bottles and the mental health struggles that kept me stuck for so long. (Okay, I’ll admit it—seeing the physical change is still pretty surreal. But it’s just proof of how much healing really happens from the inside out.)
I didn’t just lose weight, I lost years of pain and unhealthy relationships and destructive habits. But with that loss came transformation - in confidence, strength and self-belief. In better habits, a healthier mindset, and a life that finally feels good to live.
Fast forward to today? I never would’ve thought turning 48 could feel and look so great.
I see someone I actually recognize—someone who is truly living rather than just existing. Someone smiling not just for a camera, but because she feels happiness, peace, and freedom. Someone who has done the work to get here—physically, yes, but also mentally and emotionally.
And guess what? I FEEL happy. I FEEL excitement. I wake up looking forward to my day, not just trying to get through it. (I’ve also learned that while there may be days I feel lonely, or sad- it’s ok to feel happy and excited too. Healing doesn’t mean we eliminate our emotions; it’s learning to hold space for all of them.)
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned? MENTAL HEALTH IS HEALTH. PERIOD.
And that, my friends, is the power of believing in yourself—the power of living with HOPE vs fear and doubt.
Because let me tell you—ten years ago, I did not believe this version of me was possible. I thought I was too far gone, too broken, too depressed, too stuck. But change doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in small steps, in tiny choices, in the moments when you decide to keep going, even when it’s hard. Change happens when you decide to finally start choosing yourself.
It happens when the want—the need—for change becomes greater than your own BS. When the desire for a better life outweighs the pull of the bottle you’re reaching for.
I don’t share to brag, I share because we all have a story, and we don’t have to peddle into that story alone. We all have a start date, a when moment we decide to change, to grow, to heal. If you’re in that place now, just know—you’re not alone.
So here’s to another year. To reflection. To growth. To strength. To becoming someone you recognize and love again.
And to knowing that, no matter where you are today, you can peddle your way forward. Because if I can do it, so can you.
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