How I started over at 45 (And became an accidental expert in packing, therapy, and pest control)🏠🕷️😂

“Welcome” to the house with the mouse 🐭 and sunsets for days!

At 45, starting over wasn’t just terrifying – it felt impossible. It was also something I never actually thought I’d do. I mean c’mon – I’d NEVER lived alone, not once in my entire life. I’d been with my husband for 26 years, a mom for 25, and I hadn’t been in the workforce for over a decade - the actual thought of starting over terrified the hell out of me if I’m being honest. But staying where I was, that scared me even more.

By the time my youngest daughter was a senior in high school the questions loomed: “Do I really want to disrupt her senior year? Would choosing myself make me selfish? But let’s be real-her years had already been disrupted by a marriage that, if I’m honest, wasn’t a healthy one. For years I told myself “I’d rather feel lonely alone than lonely in a marriage”. And that thought never really went away.

It wasn’t until a year into therapy I was “READY ENOUGH” to actually take the steps to do just that-Start Over. January 31, 2022. The day was Monday. I called my attorney that morning and said, “I’m going to go through with it, file the paperwork, I want a divorce”. Telling my kids and my ex, I thought the hardest part was done.

But maybe that wasn’t the hardest part – maybe the hardest part was putting the work in day after day the year before and the years following, attending weekly therapy appointments which ultimately lead to awareness, questions, realization, strength, growth, and action.

Often, we get caught up in the memories or the life we wish we had. Sometimes, we’re more in love with the idea of what life could be than we are with our actual partner. The key is to figure out what we’re truly holding onto: is it the person, or is it the idea of them that we’re most afraid of letting go of? That question hit me hard in therapy and left me reflecting long after the session ended.

Three years later I’m celebrating freedom. I’m celebrating growth, life, strength, success and creating the life I love after surviving the days I thought would never end, (and the fact that I haven’t completely lost my shit in the process).

But freedom isn’t just about stepping away from what held you back – it’s about stepping into a life that finally feels like yours. (It’s also about learning how to get rid of my own damn spiders and mice – even though I believe that is a job I should not have to do. Honestly, I moved out of my second rental because of all the mice- 26 to be exact, but who was counting? 🐭😆)

These past 3 years have been filled with lessons – about me, about others, about life…. and about renting. 😆 I’ve learned to turn my obstacles into opportunities and challenges into celebrations, and most importantly? I’ve mastered the art of fitting my entire life into moving boxes way too many times. 📦

I’ve also learned that self-awareness will take you further in life than comparison ever will.

These past three years have been a crash course in survival, grief, self-discovery, and figuring out how to assemble furniture by myself without ending up in tears. I never expected to pack up my entire life, pack up my U-Haul and move out the same day my daughter graduated, live in a hotel for 4 weeks (sounds fancy, until you realize it’s not) or change my address four times in six months. I was hoping to rack up airline miles, not address changes.

Starting over isn’t just emotional – it’s exhausting, messy, sometimes exciting and nothing like I imagined, and it also came with an upgrade in stoplights and takeout! 😆

But looking back, every struggle, every detour, every box unpacked, every unexpected turn, every “where the heck am I supposed to go now” taught me something valuable.

Here are TEN of the toughest (and sometimes funniest) lessons I’ve learned while starting over – lessons I hope you’ll carry with, too:

1.      Healing isn’t linear – It’s more like a rollercoaster operated by someone who missed their morning coffee. One day you’re feeling unstoppable, the next day a sad song comes on, and boom—you’re crying in the grocery store because “Leader of the Band” started playing through the speakers and it reminded you of your dad’s memorial. There will be setbacks, moments of doubt and days where progress feels impossible. In case you didn’t know - life has other plans. Embrace, adapt, accept and know that even in chaos, growth is still happening, and progress is still progress.  

2.      Not everyone will understand your journey, and that’s okay – Some people will question your choices, your timing, your sanity and your struggles. But you don’t need a permission slip to change your life. The right people will support you. I spent too much time worrying about what people would think, how they would react, and whether they would understand my choices. But here’s the truth: not everyone will understand—and that’s okay. People can only meet you as far as they have met themselves. Some will project their fears onto you, some will try to minimize your pain because they haven’t faced their own, and some will judge you from the comfort of lives they’ve never had to rebuild. As one of my favorite motivators, Mel Robbins often says…. “Let them” And remember, we get one shot at life, make sure you are living it for YOU. 

3.      Letting go is painful but so is staying stuck – I held on for years because I feared the unknown more than my own unhappiness. And honestly? That was terrifying. But you know what else is terrifying? Catching yourself reciting a commercial tagline like it’s life advice—because your marriage feels lonelier than a Walmart parking lot at 2 a.m. And trust me, my view from my hotel room? That was exactly a Walmart parking lot 😉

At some point, you have to choose: comfort or growth. Real freedom comes when you choose YOU – when you finally stop holding on to what no longer serves you. I’ve often said, “if you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not growing” And damn, was I uncomfortable! (I still am 😊)  

4.      You are allowed to outgrow places, people, AND versions of yourself – And spoiler alert: you will. You might look back and wonder why you tolerated certain things for so long. Why you did the things you did. Life will force change before you feel ready. That’s life, and that’s called growth, my friends. Embrace it. When I was switching addresses like an undercover spy, it felt like I had lost everything. But what I really lost were the things that were holding me back. Instead, I gained strength, clarity, a life that’s truly mine and the ability to drive a U-Haul and pack a moving box really fast. 😂 

5.      Celebrate and Trust yourself—even when you have no idea what’s next –I had no roadmap, no five-year plan, and for a while, no permanent address. I had no clue what I was doing. But I learned that sometimes, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and trust that you’ll figure it out. And if not? There’s always Plan B (which may or may not involve moving in with your dogs). Let go of expectations, learn to go with the flow. Plan for present day, not tomorrow. Celebrate the small steps, the small wins. Got that new PO key for your new mailbox? Celebrate! That’s one more thing you got done! Focusing on the small wins, and trusting yourself, even when the path isn’t clear, is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.  

6.      Starting over isn’t a single decision—it’s a hundred little ones – I used to think that making the big decision—filing for divorce, moving out, starting fresh—was the hardest part. Turns out, the real challenge is in the everyday choices that come after that. Choosing to get out of bed when staying under the covers feels easier. Choosing to believe in yourself when self-doubt creeps in. Choosing to keep going when you’re tired, scared, exhausted and running on empty (and maybe a little chocolate…...or coffee for you coffee lovers😉). Starting over isn’t one big jump; it’s a series of tiny, brave steps that lead to something incredible. They say that sometimes the grass isn’t always greener on the other side - but sometimes? Sometimes it is. Especially when you're watering your own. 🌱💛 

7.      Happiness isn’t a destination—it’s found in the small moments along the way - I used to think happiness would magically arrive once I had everything figured out—after the divorce was final, after I bought that thing I thought I needed, after I found stability, after I “rebuilt” my life. But I’ve learned that happiness doesn’t show up with a grand entrance—it sneaks in during the little moments.

It’s laughing at yourself when you assemble a desk backwards.
It’s blasting your favorite song in the car and singing like no one’s watching.
It’s dancing like a fool in the kitchen just because you can.
It’s pausing to appreciate the sunrise and sunset every day.

It’s finally realizing that peace feels a whole lot better than proving a point. ✨💛 

8.      Grief isn’t just about death—it’s about everything you’ve lost. Losing my dad the same week I filed for divorce was unbearable, but the grief didn’t stop there. I grieved the life I thought I’d have— relationships, friendships, and even the emptiness of a quieter home as my kids spread their wings. I wasn’t just mourning a person; I was mourning pieces of myself. But I’ve learned that grief and growth can coexist—you can miss what was and embrace what’s ahead at the same time. 

9.      Your Circle Matters—And They Want to Help - Asking for help was something I had to learn to do. For so long, I tried to handle everything on my own because I didn’t want to be a burden. But the truth? The right people want to help.

Surrounding myself with positive, supportive people—the ones who lifted me up instead of weighing me down—made all the difference. They reminded me who I was when I forgot. They showed up when I needed them, sometimes before I even knew I did.

Your circle should inspire you, encourage you, and remind you of your strengths—not make you question them. And if you don’t have that kind of support yet? Start building it. Because the road to healing and starting over isn’t meant to be walked alone. 💛

It reminds me of a coffee cup my best friend pointed out one day while we were out shopping. The cup said:
"Go be the person you were always meant to be."

She looked at me, pointed at it, and said, “See that? It’s time for you to do that.” And she was right.

10. The GREATEST Gift you can give to yourself (and others) is to HEAL yourself. This is something I talk about in my presentations, but more than that - it’s something I strongly believe. We aren’t good for others if we aren’t good for ourselves first. Doing the work, peeling back those layers, diving into therapy as an adult and having those “Oh…..that’s why I react that way, or “That’s why that triggers me,” moments? That’s where the real growth and awareness happens.

The awareness I have now, the tools in my toolbox and the ability to catch myself in those patterns-it’s all part of becoming the best version of me. And here’s the thing: even when we’re still healing, we’re improving. The relationships we have - with ourselves and with others-start to look and feel a whole lot healthier.

These lessons weren’t always easy. They didn’t always make sense, and sometimes they were frustrating. But I’ve learned they came exactly when I needed them, (it just might’ve taken me some time to realize that.)

And maybe, just maybe they’re lessons that you needed to hear today, too.

Starting over doesn’t have to mean divorce. It can be a new career, a new city, a new mindset or simply choosing yourself. Whatever it looks like for you, just know this – Change is okay. It might be hard but so is staying stuck.

Don’t forget, you are capable of more than you think. Your next chapter is waiting for you to write it—so grab a pencil (because just like in life, nothing is truly permanent) and stat writing. (And maybe… keep a suitcase handy. You never know when you might ignite that spontaneity and take that trip you’ve been dreaming of! It might be closer than you think😉🧳)

 If I can do it – if I can stand here three years later - stronger, wiser, and finally at peace with the life I’m creating – then so can YOU!

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💜Nikki